Just going to post some pics of jewellery i have done...
I have also done earrings with these charms but not taken photos yet....i had two of each of the 3 charms that are shown below
If you want to buy any of my stuff then please visit my website....
http://www.freewebs.com/rainbow-glitter-f
Well i guess i stopped coming on here for a while again but i thought i would update.
This is my bracelet i have called "purity"
This one is my newest bracelet which i havent named yet:
This is my "rainbow love" bracelet
This one is my "pretty in pink" bracelet
Finally these are my "rainbow child" earrings
Well thats it i guess, not sure why i decided to do this no one visits my LJ but oh well hehe. I was bored anyway!
I hate having no money to buy more beads and things to make more stuff. I have sold some of my things but i guess its not really enough or atleast often enough. I spend ages on making these stuff they are hard to do and really do take up my time and energy. I mean i keep trying ebay but people just dont want to pay enough. Its pretty disappointing really. I have a website too but i doubt people visit it more than once - i have no idea how to advertise it. Im pretty stuck.
- Mood:
bored
I checked the exact date of the game online - it was released december 2000. But i remember having it as an easter present. I remember the game from when my youngest brother lets call him ST was playing on it while i lay on my bed with my oldest brother (my abuser) ill call him SC- anyway SC was touching my leg...rubbing my leg...this was towards the end of my abuse as i was beginning to rebel slightly. So i said "SC your touching my leg"
he said "no im not im stroking the dog" and moved his hand to the dog (who i had put between us to feel safe) but anyway he kept moving his hand...we started arguing and i kicked both my brothers out my room. I went to go to sleep but SC kept coming back....saying sorry but i kept telling him to go away. I dont know if anything happened that night but i know thats what he wanted i know thats why he said sorry. The problem is the game was released december 2000 BUT i must have got it in april....and im sure we had had the game a while before the memory ive just told you about.
I remember having 2 cd's for christmas.... A steps album and a single "mickey" by someone called "lolly" anyway my cousin had left home at 16 and i went to stay with her for the night - only my brother decided to go too cause he got on with her and her boyfriend well - i was gutted! I remember i was scared he would hurt me...he would abuse me. I remember this because i took the 2 cd's with me - my brother took one of my dads and left it there my dad was angry and my brother blamed it on me - he told my dad i had taken it.
The mickey cd was released - May 9, 2000
Steps cd - 5 Dec 2000
So now i think i was abused for the whole of 2000...but i might have been abused before that too....and i may have been abused after that too (i think the game suggests i was)
When i confronted my brother though - he did think i had got the dates wrong - and he mentioned being 16 his excuse was "you know what 16year olds are like" I was 10 at that time....and that was from july 1999 to july 2000...so the cd's suggest 2000....the game suggests 2000- and after but his age suggests 1999/2000 - it couldnt have been 3 years though!
Also he said sorry when i asked him it had happened - can i trust his sorry? I mean he said sorry before to try and get a chance of getting into my bed in the past right? So i dunno.........
Im listening to the steps cd- it feels weird.
It doesnt make sense - this is so confusing
- Mood:
tired
I guess im feeling pretty stressed.
Im going to meet a band on Tuesday. Taking back sunday - my friend won tickets which i helped her win by texting her name to a radio station when she asked me too - well i couldnt say no could i? Shes my friend and she loves meeting bands. Only i dont want to go. She won 7 tickets it meet this band so shes taking me and another friend but told the radio station to give the others to the other contestant. I cant let her down. Ive turned down the chance to see bands in concert (most bands i havent even heard off) or to actually meet them three times already so i cant try and get out of this one. Anyway im only 1 of the 2 friends shes got - im supposed to be her best friend. I just - i dont feel good when she asks me to go - first i say yes cause i dont want to let her down butr then i always say i cant go. I feel like i cant deal with bands right now - i mean they arent anyone special - ok i love music but so they can sing - it doesnt mean they are better than people who cant - it doesnt make them more important - not to me anyway. I guess im scared that bands - rock bands - people arent very nice. I mean "goths" hated me at school. I liked the same music as them but because i was quiet and shy they hated me - why should a band be any different? I dont even know much about this band. When i think about going i kind of - panic i guess. I just dont like the idea of going it freaks me out. But i have to go. I just want to run and hide.
My friend basically lives around bands and goes to concerts - enters and wins compertitions all the time and she loves it. She thought i was the same. When i told her i didnt like meeting bands much she was really shocked. Shes very opinionated - because i like everything she does if i like something she doesnt or dont like something she does then she makes me feel ashamed or embarrased. She is a good friend though. We fell out with our other friends and she stook by me.
But i have changed a lot sinse i left school - and so has she. I think she is more obsessed with bands than she was. But me - i just want to concentrate on feeling comfortable with myself, i want to concentrate on healing and coping with my abuse. I really dont have any interest in obsessing over bands. Im more interested in my friends (which yeah sadly most are online) than strangers who can sing - a cd is enough for me. Its the music i like.
I havent been feeling 100% recently either thanks to my abuse. Ive been talking about it a lot on the internet recently. So i feel like im recovering from that now. I want to start talking to my counsellor about the abuse now too. Ive been seeing her for 2-3years and ive never spoken about the abuse - not to any one. Ok my parents know - after they read my emails/texts but i definatly havent spoken about it to them either. I like my counsellor - shes nice but i just cant seem to talk about it - not even to her. I can write things down but thats not helping as much now - i think i need to start speaking. I decide to but as soon as im in the waiting room i panic and change my mind. This time im going to try not to panic and start talking about it - i see her at the end of the week. Just hope it goes ok.
Well thats it i guess take care x
- Mood:
distressed
I made this bracelet tonight....its not a great photo as i took it on my phone so its turned out dark and not very clear. But oh well.
Ive decided to try and sell my two bracelets that ive posted on here too this week....i need the money.
- Mood:
artistic
Im so confused.
Ive never actually said i was abused on here before (well i dont think i have) but well now i have. Its all a mess. I cant remember enough about my abuse. People usually want to block it out - well ive tried that and it messed me up even more so now i want to remember everything i stopped myself from seeing.
I guessed the year from a game we played on at the time and a few other things...on the back of the game it said 1999-2000 well i checked on the internet and it says it was released in december 2000 - later than i expected. It doesnt make sense to me at all - its just messed it all up - was i older than i thought i was when it started or did it last longer than i thought? There are a dozen possibilities and i dont know which one is right! Im trying SO hard to rememeber something else...something like something else i had when i was being abused....that i recieved in the years he was abusing me. But i cant even remember that....not even a stupid little detail such as that....
I want to remember so why wont my brain let me? I feel ready - i feel like i need to know.
- Mood:
confused
I cant take it.
Why do people have to be so nasty and hurtful?
Why do i have to be so alone?
Why am i so bloody invisable?
Life sucks - you just get hurt over and over again. I was hurt at 10years old and i feel like my soul is dead but i know that wont be my only misery in life, My dads family are so mad we dont keep i touch with any of them - they are all drunk and are crazy, my aunt kicked a hole in our front door once cause we wouldnt let her in. My brother has totally ruined my life - nice family huh? I still have a long time left in my life(probably) and i know it will never be happy or simple. It never happens...people are always getting hurt in their life.
No one ever likes me. They think im an idiot. So im shy, so you dont understand me - ok fine but use your brain please! Im shy and quiet for a reason. I have no confidence for a reason!
I want to escape.
- Mood:
crappy
The Fallen Angel. You were hurt deeply in yo9ur past but are having trouble expressing it to your friends. They send out a hand to help you up but you decline their offer you believe it should be your problem. Go to them. Seek advice (young grassHopper ^.^)
- Mood: bored
I havent been feeling good about my art though - i always feel like im not good enough. I want to be better and i want to be so much it makes me impatient. I have been concentrating on my jewellery making this week and have mad my favourite bracelet so far which has a lilac chain. I think i will put a picture in this entry.
I hope one day i can sell my jewellery but at the moment i doubt i could, but oh well- Mood:
creative
I've been so fixed on my job its like i have been walking around in a total daze. It makes me feel pretty fragile when thinking about anything else. Im just taking a day at a time. I feel so tired still. I feel like i total loser. I have one friend but shes going through a tough time too and we dont see much of each other. I dont know how to make friends. I'm shy, not confident, ugly and a rubbish friend.
*sighs*
- Mood: tired
Well today was my first day at college. I actually managed to get up early but forgot to take my anti-depressants and i was almost late. My dad was moaning like mad. When i got there everything seemed ok. But then later when i actually found some hope - BOOM! It all goes wrong. I was with 2 girls and a boy for today although i'm sure that will change and i'll be in a bigger class (sadly - i like small groups) anyway they were talking and stuff but as im shy i just sat there listening. Then at lunch i was on one table while the other 3 started talking on a different table. Another girl there made a sarcastic comment about me which right now just makes me explode inside. So so far i have no friends and the closest i've got to a friend is to teacher! How sad is that? He was a funny teacher though - the type that you can have a joke with. Then i come home and my dad starts moaning again and when my dad starts moaning he wont shut up! The people who go there are the opposite to me they do everything i dont do. Im the quiet good girl and they take drugs, are very confident, get pregnant by a guy who abandons them....Yeah they are better than me but anyone can be better than me.
Im feeling so sick of myself as usual.
- Mood: crappy
My inner child either feels dead or is going mad and feels like she's ripping me apart inside. Here i am sounding pathetic again.
- Mood:
sore
Your a loser. Your a failure. You are weak.
Your so pathetic even spiteful people like your cousin, people at school, cruel strangers, brothers, aunts, uncles are better than you - they have a life - you have NOTHING you are a LOSER.
Your going to fail everything nothing ever goes right for you nothing. Failure. I hate you. You mess everything up, make the wrong decissions, make a mess of everything. Everything you touch turns to dust - you ruin everything. You are doomed.
You are weak, you cant do anything. You fail, your pathetic, your insane, your a disappointment. You cant even cope with normal day things. All you do is moan. SHUT UP NO ONE CARES! YOU DRIVE EVERYONE AWAY.
- Mood:
uncomfortable
You're the Tragic Angel. You are quite depressed and feel everyone's out to get you. You have a few selected friends that you feel you can trust but it's hard to make friends with you.
Power
You died tragically, so you have the power to see the future. Most likely someone killed you by accident. Or you fell off of a bridge. Or a tall building in your past life.
Appearence
Black sleeveless dress with black rose heads outlining the top. Chin length sandy hair with a black rose in it. Medium black feathery wings.
- Mood:
blah
life of agony
I took what i hated,
What i didnt want to see,
And tried to throw it all away,
But today it all comes back,
And i have less understanding,
Than i did yesterday,
A secret i locked away,
Refused to see,
Now taunts me,
Bullies my soul,
Stabs my heart,
Takes over my mind,
All this pain,
Is on the inside,
So no one will see,
No one can help me,
Through this life of agony.
The beginning of this one was writen about the friends i have made online and who support me.
little girl
Why wont you let me give up,
Why wont you let me fall,
Do you really care,
About the little girl,
Inside of me,
That screams for understanding,
That cries to be free,
To be saved,
From whats happening,
Inside of me,
On the outside,
That little girl's all grown up,
But the pain still exists,
And the tears fall,
Still listening to all the lies,
From the past,
That haunt me,
Yet no one can see,
The pain piercing my heart.
Pit of despair
A lonely heart beats,
As hopes and dreams fade,
Into the suffering that has been made,
A child screams,
But can not be heard.
The bruses are invisable,
But still remain,
Just hide the pain,
A happy memory disappears,
As Sadness takes over,
A person becomes selfish,
As this world sinks into into a pit of despair.
-~Eternity’s Pain~-
Eternity’s pain,
Drowning in the rain,
Choking in the sea,
The road to insanity.
I see the riddler,
Crouched in the corner,
Plotting its newest scheme,
The jack in the box
Laughing, laughing, laughing at me,
Trying to defy eternity.
The vampire,
Thirsty for poisoned blood,
With a child’s single tear,
A howl of horrific fear.
Mother of all pain,
The cradler of the insane,
Holding the flame,
To eternity’s pain.
Shadow
Shadow of the darkness,
Monster of the sea,
That is choking me, hiding the key,
Preventing me to see.
Shadow of ignorance,
Creater of all sin,
Little devil, of the hell i am in.
Shadow of all agony,
The secret buerried with in,
The truth that i will never win.
Shadow of my weakness,
My power against my pain,
Telling me to give in yet again.
~*dark angel*~
Wondering soul where have you gone?
Fallen angel from up above,
What happened to your pure silver wings,
Wilting into pure black anger,
Oozing red liquid appears,
From what was a perfect kindly face.
Welcoming sunshine where are you now?
Dark mist covering all around me,
Choking on the thick smoke that prevents me to see,
Tears flowing into an ocean,
As darkness shatters my dreams
As angels fall,
Smashing into pieces,
Only to remain as a dark unkind monster.
- Mood:
melancholy
You tend to be an unhappy person.
You tend to feel guilty about your own emotions.
And generally, you lack confidence in your opinions.
You know the so-called facts of life, but not to enjoy life itself.
You are not a realist, and you are inclined to be stubborn.
You don't hold a very high opinion of the opposite sex.
- Mood:
depressed
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